Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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