i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
