So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
my liver is dry heaving
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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