Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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