Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
