I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
