So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
