so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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