**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
