so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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