Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
