I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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