She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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