dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
