You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
