Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You're a waste of cheezeits
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
