I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
