new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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