so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize