That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
