I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just puked most of my soul out..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
