At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
