Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Houston, we have a blender
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
