My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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