White coat. Heels.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
