for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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