i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
