I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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