Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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