Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
babies were throwing up all over the place
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
