I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
