Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
