someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
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i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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