I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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