you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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