Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
