I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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