Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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