You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I did not marry a roomba.
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