So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
