just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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