we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
