So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
