She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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