chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
