She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
