I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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