He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
