So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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