my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
