it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
