Your mouth is God's brothel.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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