i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
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I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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