you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
