Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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