Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My cat gives me a boner
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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