I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
