clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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