look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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